After I originally read “You: On a Diet,” I tossed all processed foods from my diet including sugar and white flour (which is converted more quickly to sugar in your bloodstream). This may seem extreme to some people but after the first couple of weeks, I honestly didn’t miss it. Cravings for Krispy Kremes went away and I started feeling better physically. And then the most remarkable thing happened: I became a nicer person.

Now, those of you who know me are probably all, “WHAT? How on EARTH could YOU be an even nicer person than you already are?”

I know, I know. Hard to believe but it’s true.

Come to find out, it wasn’t all in my head. Awhile back, I ran across an experiment they did on students at Mr. T’s School for Troubled Youth. Okay, that’s not really what it was called but I’m too lazy to try to find that book and get the real name of the school. Plus, wouldn’t it be awesome if there really was a Mr. T’s School for Troubled Youth? When you arrived, they’d give you a bootcamp-style mohawk and Mr. T would be all up your face going, “I PITY the fool who goes to my school!” but once you turned your life around, they’d reward good behavior with super cool gold chains.

And speaking of good behavior (see what I did there?), this school found that by replacing the regular school fare of sugar, flour and dog food with fruits, vegetables and whole grains, things changed pretty dramatically. Kids had longer attention spans, their grades went up and behavioral problems went down.

JUST FROM CHANGING THEIR DIETS, Y’ALL.

Turns out that whole grains and complex carbohydrates break down more slowly and keep your blood sugar levels constant, which in turn keeps your moods stable and your brain sharp. So there is a real science to back me up when I say that I became a nicer person. While I am definitely not troubled (no matter what certain friends or family members say. They are liars who should go to Mr. T’s School for Lying Fools.Yeah…you know who you are.), I tend to go from a little hungry to I-will-eat-your-head-if-you-don’t-get-me-to-a-restaurant-right-this-freaking-second hungry. It’s not pretty as the following possibly totally fictionalized/possibly not account shows.

Scene: Husband and wife in the cabinet hardware aisle of a big box store. Wife has half a dozen drawer pulls in her hand.

Wife: Okay, I picked out some drawer pulls. Which one do you like?

Husband (looking them over): None of them.

Wife: What?

Husband (shrugs): I don’t really like any of them.

Wife: What do you mean you don’t like ANY of them?

Husband: Uh, I mean, I don’t like any of them.

Wife: HOW COULD YOU NOT LIKE ANY OF THEM? THERE ARE SIX TO CHOOSE FROM!

Husband: It’s not that big of a deal. We’ll just look around some more.

Wife (sprouting horns): WHY WOULD WE NEED TO LOOK AROUND SOME MORE? THERE ARE SIX – SIX! – PERFECTLY GOOD DRAWER PULLS TO CHOOSE FROM.

Husband (putting hand on Wife’s shoulder): Sweetie, are you hungry?

Wife (jerking away): No, I am NOT hungry! Don’t patronize me! I just can’t believe I married a man with such terrible taste in drawer pulls!

Husband (in a tone one usually reserves for a wild beast or serial killer): Well, how about we go grab something to eat and then discuss it later?

Wife: FINE! But this has NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with your obvious lack of good design sense.

Cut to restaurant. Wife is halfway through meal and looking somewhat sheepish.

Wife: So – haha! – I guess I was hungry.

Husband: Uh huh.

Wife: I’m sorry.

Husband: It’s okay.

Wife: Please don’t divorce me.

End Scene.

Yep…totally fictionalized.

But should this have actually happened and should these types of incidents have stopped after Wife gave up sugar and processed foods, you would understand why the husband and wife are still married and the wife did not end up in Mr. T’s Institute for Women Who Go Crazy When Their Blood Sugar Drops.

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